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01-Oct-2020 09:57

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Just got off the phone with a client and became inspired to write this piece. Mid 30’s, intelligent, successful, and serious about finding a relationship.

We’ve been working together for a few months and he’s been lamenting his lack of success.

I reiterate old themes, try to put things into a much-needed perspective.

I remind him that it’s a competitive space, that it’s a buyer’s market for women. He muses that it must be nice to have hundreds of people writing to you.

This is for guys who won’t bend over backwards to the point where they are spineless. Nice guys without any balls finish last.” That’s SO true.

And in case you don’t believe me about the game playing, here’s the best example I can provide to make my case: You know what a woman says when a guy she likes calls her the day after a date? ”You know what a woman says when a guy she like calls her the day after a date? The myth that women are attracted to “bad boys” is due to the fact that “bad boys” tend to be (or at least appear to be) confident.

Taking advantage of online dating popularity, the researchers presented women a set of male dating profiles.

These profiles varied by physical attractiveness and by niceness (or the potential lack of it) — i.e., some profiles explicitly referred to emotional responsiveness, caring, and relationship effort, while other profiles referred to a disinterest in others' problems or a career orientation that makes relationships less of a priority.

The same women he can get in “real life” don’t respond to him online. He reminds me that each letter he writes that goes unanswered is a blow to the ego. Don’t let the process affect you; just be grateful for the potential that it presents. But my client wants more pointers.“What do I do next? And find out the next time she’s available to talk on the phone.”I’m a big believer in the phone.“But what about creating mystery?By controlling the attractiveness and the niceness of the profiles women saw, as well as the order in which they saw them, the researchers could examine the role of contrast effects in romantic interest. So, when does a nice, but maybe not-as-attractive person best have a shot at garnering women's romantic interest?The evidence points to a fascinating subjectivity in women's judgments: Women were much more interested in the responsive (i.e., nice), unattractive target when they had previously viewed an responsive (i.e., not so nice) target (Spielmann & Mac Donald, 2016).But you can’t beat that quiet inner confidence which doesn’t compare to the fake stuff. And starting off by playing games and pretending to be something you’re not will get you single over and over again.

You've probably heard the saying "nice guys finish last." If you happen to be a nice guy, you might know the maxim firsthand.The nice, less attractive guys, in this formulation, are competing with attractive, not-so-nice guys, and they're losing.



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